Who Do I Save

Torn apart don’t know what to do. 

 Who should I save,  me or you?

Not much of a choice if you ask me. I’m caught between one and three

Barely surviving these last several years 

For all of us filled with grief, trauma, and fears 

You push and pull and fight and resist

Yell and scream and cuss. Is next the fist ?

The constant criticism, berating, and abuse 

Make me cry and question and think what’s the use?

I know the answer to that without delay  

I love [my son] and I  want to see him be part of our family

I try and I cry and I try some more. 

But so far, I can’t break through the door. 

You say you hate me and wish I was dead 

Tell me I’m terrible and crazy in the head 

I want so much to pull you close hug you tight and don’t let go

Til we get through this state of chaos, this no highs but only low. 

M. Sauls 

January 2023